Weekly Status - Week 36, 2019

Weekly status -- week 36 of 2019

Current State of Mind

It's Sunday, and I feel pretty good about my weekend.  I managed to go to my first exercise class in like, forever. I am sore as sore can be. It hurts to stand, it hurts to sit, but it's because I accomplished something good.   Managed to not go out to dinner at all this weekend, which is amazing.. we usually suck on weekends for cooking. We did order take out one night but I kept under my calories, so win-win!  

Weighed myself Friday. Not too happy with the amount of weight loss but it is certainly within "normal" weight loss range. I expect miracles and get disappointed when it doesn't come true (even when I know it's not possible to be true!) .. damn those voices in my head. You know, the one that is like, "you're going to get on the scale friday and have lost 5 more pounds, yay you!! You've been working so hard, it's a GIVEN!"

Unfortunately that voice just sets me up for disappointment. I'm really trying to focus more and listen to the 'realistic' voice. The realistic voice is always there, but I rationalize it away and ignore it. I need to listen to it!

Current Plan

Want to go to kickboxing 1 time this week, and 1 time on Saturday. 

Continue to track food every day and drink enough water.  No scale until Friday. Work on "me" holistically.  

Accomplishments 

• Talked to someone on the phone and joined a kickboxing gym. 
• Actually showed up for the class and did it. 
• Drank enough water every day
• Stayed on track food-wise 

Goals + Progress 

Long term 

Goal Date: February 2020 - I am going on another vacation and I want to lose 50 pounds before then. I know it's not just about the losing weight but about my mental state and overcoming emotional eating so my interim goals will more focus around that.   

Progress: 7 pounds lost, 43 to go. 

Short term 

These goals are shorter term, but will restart over again once done: 

1. Logging food every day -  In progress, successful so far! 

2. Going to helpful facebook groups for support - Have been interacting and posting more. I'm finding it helpful! 

3. Getting on the scale only once a week  - On track! Husband is hiding the scale and i'm only getting on the scale on Fridays. Had first friday weight-in this week and I didn't like the number, but I didn't obsess (much). Hopefully with time it will get better. 

4. Blogging at least once a week - Success! 

5. Exploring ways to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into my life - Still to do. Looking at 'calm' app. 

I freakin did it!

I did it!!  I went to the kickboxing class this morning!

I had many reasons to back out: 

• My daughter woke up this morning at 3am throwing up.  I was up most of the night with her after that with very little sleep. 
• I was anxious and afraid. 
• I didn't have a sports bra
• I didn't have any nice exercise clothes
• Did I mention I was afraid?

Anyway, tired and exhausted, wearing 2 uncomfortable crappy bras, crappy Walmart drawstring capri pants, a tank top and an old t-shirt, I got in the car and went.  As I drove there, the voices in my head told me I could still back out. I could go shopping for an hour and then return home. Another little voice told me that my husband and kids were rooting for me to succeed and I'd let them down. 

I pulled up to the building, it was opening day.  It was crowded and hectic. I nervously parked my car and walked in.  Everyone was busy but friendly.  One of the staff gave me some gloves and showed me the punches and kicks.  I can do this, I kept thinking, when all I wanted to do was run out the door when nobody was looking.  To ensure I didn't do that, I selected a heavy bag right in the middle. No hiding near the cubbies or the door, I was front and center. 

Class started, and I won't lie, about 19 minutes into the HOUR long class, I was sweaty and exhausted. A staff member worked out next to me and encouraged me to go at my own pace, modify as needed, (and I did). I worked hard. I never felt like I couldn't do the activities, which was good.  Finally I made it to the end. I. DID. IT. 

So proud of myself. This first hurdle is over. Now I need to go back. My goal is 2 days this week -- a week day and then once on the weekend.  I am going to do it!

Voices in My Head

So, I joined a kickboxing gym today. 

Last time I exercised at a gym or class? 2013. Yes, 2013; that's six years ago!  Even then I didn't stick with it. I've never stuck with anything in regards to fitness and exercise. I think about exercising and joining a gym quite a bit, but more often than not I make excuses as to why I can't - 

They don't have classes when I can go!  
They don't offer child care!
They are too expensive!
I rather hire a personal training instead of just gong on my own 
I'm too fat and out of shape!
People will laugh
I would rather join [something not local to me] but it's not convenient to me!
Everyone on their facebook page/website looks so IN shape. I can't do this. 
My belly is too big, I won't be able to do many of the exercises
I'm so fat that people will think I'm pregnant. 

All of these thoughts (and then some) are continually running through my head. I need to squelch them and show myself some grace.  Just getting started, talking to someone (on the phone!!)  was a MAJOR hurdle for me.  I did it though, I talked to someone, they reassured me that I could go at my own pace, there were lots of others in my situation (overweight, haven't exercised in a while) , etc. They offer classes when I can go. 

So I go tomorrow at 10am  for my first class. Opening day.  Will it be too crowded? 

As I sit here, I'm both excited and I can feel my brain trying to find ways to get me to back out of it. I feel it inside me, that little thought pestering me and trying to gain footing in my brain.  I'm nervous and anxious for the class itself of course but what's bothering me the most is I'll show up and everyone will be in shape and ready to go and I will feel their judgment. It doesn't matter if it's real or not honestly.. I perceive others judging me all the time and I have a hard time managing it.  My head plays "their" thoughts over and over until (I guess) I actually start to believe them.

"Look at that fat girl, what's she doing here?"
"I bet she won't be able to last the class"
"Her belly is huge, is she pregnant?? Can you do this while pregnant?" 
"Thank god I don't look like HER" 

In reality, I am hoping that nobody is really thinking these things. But, in my messed up head, everyone is thinking this stuff everytime they look at me or talk to me. My anxiety amplifies ot the point where I get to "fight or flight" mode, and I either don't show up, or I quit and never come back.

Anyway,  for now I'm squelching the voice in my head trying to sabotage me. I'm going to the class tomorrow morning. I'm even a bit excited to go!  I'll hopefully have a great time and feel good about myself. I'm starting to try and listen for the voice in my head that will cheer me on and be my encouragement instead of that nasty voice trying to break me down.  I CAN do this! 

Weekly Status - Week 35, 2019

I'm going to start making weekly "check in" posts to write about a few things. I'm not going to do the "start weight" and "pounds lost" bit because to me, this journey is more than just about the numbers on the scale. It's about fixing ME and hopefully the rest will follow.  I'm going to be brutally honest and try to get my feelings out in the open vs locked away in some storage space in my brain.



So without further chatter, here is my very first weekly status -- week 35 of 2019

Current State of Mind 

Depressed. Going through the motions. Started a diet this week with moderate success and a few non-scale victories but overall I just feel crappy. I have my period, I'm anxious, and I have a lot of stuff bubbling under the surface that's threatening to sabotage me.  I've made some good choices this week, but also some not so good choices. The not so good ones weigh heavy on me. I constantly want to say "fuck it" and go eat some nachos or McDonalds.   It seems I've only just started and the will to succeed is waning.

Current Plan 

Fake it until I make it? Just kidding. Well, I re-started writing for starters. I plan to keep writing at least once a week, hopefully more. I want to really be honest with myself. I explored 'tools' for success and I really want to work towards fulfilling the resolutions made and utilize the tools (and maybe discover more?)  to my advantage.  In regards to eating, I am trying to reduce the amount of carbohydrates while increasing veggies, lean protein, and healthy fats.  Right now I'm aiming for 1700 calories a day and for the most part this week I've done OK. I've lost about 4 pounds which is motivating and positive. 

Accomplishments

Key accomplishments I made this week were blogging, losing 4 pounds, thinking about "tools" (mental and physical) to help me on my journey, and coming up with some attainable resolutions in that regard.

Goals + Progress 

Long term 

Goal Date: February 2020 - I am going on another vacation and I want to lose 50 pounds before then. I know it's not just about the losing weight but about my mental state and overcoming emotional eating so my interim goals will more focus around that.   

Progress: 4 pounds lost, 46 to go. 

Short term 

These goals are shorter term, but will restart over again once done: 

1. Logging food every day -  In progress, successful so far! 

2. Going to helpful facebook groups for support - Need to figure out which ones

3. Getting on the scale only once a week - Failed so far. Will need to pick a "scale day" and stick to it. 

4. Blogging at least once a week - Success! 

5. Exploring ways to incorporate mindfulness and meditation into my life - Still to do. 

Tools - The More Difficult Ones

My last post talked about possible physical tools to step towards success. This post, I'll try and gather up some mental tools. Now, mind you, I'm clueless and stabbing in the dark. But, I'm 47 years old, fat, and unhappy and continually restarting my "healthy lifestyle" and failing is not working, so I need to come up with something new to try. 

So here are my ramblings on possibilities for mental tools for success. 

Mental Tools

Tool #1 - Meditation + Mindfulness  

OK so I'm no expert on this subject, but I figure it can't hurt, right? I know many are very successful in their life journey.  I honestly don't know where to start on this one.  I have anxiety and I hope this will help with that too. 

But where do I start?  

Resolution: Figure out where to start. Research and find some tools and set some attainable goals.  Have a plan within the next 2 weeks. 

Tool #2 - Writing

For the most part I enjoy writing. Sure, I wish I could write the next bestseller but for now, I'm content with blogging. I think that writing down my true feelings and putting them out there could be a step in the right direction.  If you are more of a private person, you could certainly journal or keep a private online diary.   The catch here is that honesty is key. Your blog, diary, journal will not help you if you're not being honest. 

Resolution: Post a blog post at least once a week. Blog post should be honest and free from rationalization. 

Tool #3 - Face it 

This is a really tough one for me. I am not one to face my problems head on. I'm more of a compartmentalize and hide it kind of girl.  I ignore my problems until they eat me up inside and then, rather than deal with them, I shelve them once again. I have so much anxiety and fear about so many things that it gets overwhelming. I am hoping tool #1 (mindfulness) will help me progress with this one. I need to face things head on and deal with them like an adult.  This will likely be the single most challenging thing I do. 

I hypothesize that this is one of the key sources of my emotional eating.  I just need to prove it.   Any ideas? 

Resolution: I'm not sure what I can do here to change a lifetime of fear and anxiety. For now my realization that it's important may be enough. I'll revisit it after working more on the mindfulness and meditation. (Did I just NOT face the "Face it" tool? I'm incorrigible.)  

I resolve to deal with this soon, I promise myself that. 

Tools

Tools.  What are tools? Tools are things that can help you accomplish what you are aiming to accomplish. A well equipped tool box can help you get the job done quicker.

Ok so what's my point here? 

I'm an emotional eater. I know that. I can't seem to figure out how to stop the madness in my head or control what I eat so I wanted to brainstorm and think up some possible tools I can use to help me on my journey. 

I figure the tools can probably be divided into 2 categories  -- tools I physically use, and tools I can mentally use.  Let's start with physical because, honestly it's easier to think about and I think I can make some clear resolutions in this realm. 

Physical Tools

Tool #1 - My Fitness Pal 

I love My Fitness Pal for food tracking. When I'm ON (aka following my healthy lifestyle, losing weight, feeling good), I always use a food tracker. I find it super motivating to see my total calories (and be under them) or to see the counter move and show my weight loss. Even the little motivational thing that says how many consecutive days I've logged in for helps me.   So to me this is 100% recommended.   

My profile is private but if you have a My Fitness Pal account and would like to friend me and share your food diaries, here is a link to my profile. 

When 'falling off the wagon', the food tracker is one of the first things I neglect. SO, in trying to identify why I fail, that's one of the key things I observe. I still don't know what the exact trigger(s) are for failure, but I know that when I stop logging my food, I'm already on the downslope. Yet, I still don't seem to be able to recover.

Resolution: I resolve to always track my food in MFP, even when I eat bad. 

Tool #2 - Facebook Groups

I think Facebook groups can be a very useful tool.  Basically they've gone and replaced the 'forums' of old. Sure, you can still find message boards and forums but now, a lot of people are in facebook groups. I'm in SO many groups about all sorts of things, and I really find them beneficial. You can join facebook groups about literally everything; and there are a lot of weight loss and dieting groups to join.   Again, when I'm ON, I find myself active in the groups; participating and posting all the time. I still post when I'm in failure mode, but it's much less. 

Lots of people make real friends on these groups. I can't say that I have though. I mean I see the same people post, I am friendly, outgoing (hopefully) but I haven't been able to cross the bridge to "real" 

friendship. But, that's OK (I think). The groups can still be helpful even if you don't make best friends.

Resolution: I resolve to be active in supportive healthy eating / emotional eating / weight loss groups. I resolve to leave any groups with drama and negativity towards members.

Tool #3 - Hide The Scale 

I seriously have a love/hate relationship with my scale. I literally could not live without it, yet it is probably one of the single most de-motivating things I do for myself.  Maybe I should call it a dysfunctional/abusive relationship because the scale continues to hurt me, yet I continue to go back to it. 

I clearly understand water weight and that weight can fluctuate. I know that I won't show a loss every day, but yet I'm on that scale first thing in the morning (after I pee of course) with such anticipation.  And then I see the numbers and I feel awful about myself. I hate myself for the choices I've made in the last 24 hours.  

If I know this, why do I continue to climb on that scale like an insane person expecting a different outcome? Again, this is one of the things I cannot stop, almost a compulsion. I can't get rid of the scale, and I can't keep the scale.  

The best scale strategy is to get weighed once a week. Yes, once a week. I think that I need to resolve to do this along with my healthy eating plans. I may have to ask my husband to take the scale away and hide it from me during the week. 

Resolution: Weigh myself once per week. Have husband hide the scale if I get too tempted. 

Ok next post I'll delve into mental tools.

It's Raining Again

It's raining again.  I've neglected writing but by looking at my past blog posts, you know the deal. I am starting over, yet AGAIN. 

It's difficult to even think about the disappointment I have in myself at this moment. During the past few years I've resolved many, many times to start over. I haven't even been able to have any success. In fact, I've gotten worse. 

Example - I had a cruise planned for February 2019. I resolved to lose 50 pounds by the cruise date. I started in July; I had about 8 months.  I was focused, determined. I started off great (as I usually do) but then... 

Want to know how the story ends? 

Not only did I NOT lose the 50 pounds;  I managed to gain 20 pounds.  

I vacationed again in June. After the February cruise, I had about 4 months. I resolved to lose that 20 pounds (hey, at least I'd be where I started, I rationalized).  June came and went.. and those 20 pounds? Still with me, plus an additional 9.

So in the span of 1 year, I gained 29 pounds, when I was aiming to lose 50. That puts me 79 pounds to go (and that was only an interim goal). After the 79, I have 60 more to go. It seems insurmountable. 

I have to do something. I'm getting older now and I'm literally afraid I'm going to DIE at any moment. I'm literally afraid I'm going to die from this fatness. On paper it just seems SO easy. Eat healthy + exercise. How fucking stupid can I be to mess it up OVER and OVER again. Yet, here I am. 

I resolve to write more, and to get my thoughts out and really hold myself more accountable; with the ultimate goal of figuring out how to unfuck myself up in the process. 

What Gives?

So I'm on day 10 of my low carb diet. I've lost 6 pounds. I've been around 1300 calories per day and under 35 carbs a day.  

As mentioned in an earlier post, I have a significant amount of weight to lose (115ish). I know the first 4-5 pounds are water weight but from what I understand, eating low carb (and staying under calorie limits) will put me into fat burning mode.

Ok so why am I not losing weight?  If you remove 5 of my 6 pounds lost as "water weight", I've only lost 1 pound in 10 days? 

I have tracked religiously and I have been drinking enough water.

What gives?

Here I go Again

Here I go again.  If you read my last post from 2014 (and 2009), I basically should just put that all here and be done with it. 

I'm starting over. Again. I have 115 pounds to lose and I'm going to freakin' do it.

But that's my pattern, right? I say I'm going to do it, and I even start doing it. I enjoy some success and get over that initial hump, but then I fall apart. 

Why? I have no goddamn clue. Seriously. I am smart, I am educated, I read and research. I know I'm an emotional eater, that's a given. I know I know what healthy food is, and what isn't. I know all about moderation, and enjoying things in life but not going overboard. I just don't know.

Do you?  

...And now for something really different

Happy 2014!

As you can see it's been a few years since posting here. And also as you can probably guess, I'm here not because I've been wildly successful in my weight loss journey or on my journey to self acceptance but because I'm still overweight and unhappy with myself. 

So no crying over spilt milk, right? I'm here, I'm fat and out of shape, and I don't like myself right now. I'm getting back on the horse and trying again. Isn't that what we're taught to do?

Of course, I'd simply be an INSANE person if I did this again and again and expected a different outcome.  So I have been thinking what can differentiate this effort from the 93451 others before it.

Why did I fail before, and what can I do to overcome that failure?

OK so let's think about my reasons for failure for a minute:

*crickets* 

Now that's strange. I'm sitting here all ready to list out why I failed in the past, but yet I cannot come up with ONE reason. Do I just have selective memory, or can I just not remember? Or is it deeper than that? Perhaps I just don't know why I fail. 

I don't know why I fail.

There, I said it. I have no flippin' idea why I fail. I try, I really do! I am usually very successful at first. I have great will power and resolve.  I make all (or most of) the right decisions, and then, like magic, something changes and I am powerless to stop it. It's like a switch has gone off in me, and I can see myself careening off the tracks but there's nothing I can do to stop the train. I derail; and I don't just derail, I go full on off the tracks and over the railings into a whirlpool of boiling lava. 

I've thought about it and thought about it. I don't know at what point I sabotage myself. Usually it's about when I'm halfway in my journey, sometimes a bit sooner. I'll get to 50 pounds and then everything changes. Slowly or overnight? I'm not sure.

I know that dieting and maintaining a healthy weight is not solely about foods you eat. It's about the choices you make and how you rationalize your choices.

So how, again, will this time be different?

I'm not sure, really. It's good to admit that I think. There are things I'm not sure of and I don't have all the answers. This time I will think about how I feel, each and every day. I will try to correlate that to if I did good, or bad on my diet that day. I will try and write down what's going on in my head and try to "catch" that switch before it goes. If I miss it and I do switch, I will need to figure out what happened. I have to really be conscious of the triggers and then try to figure out how to do something different. 

Sounds easy, but damn, I can tell you it's not going to be.

Pain

So I'm happy to report that I am now down to 9 pounds lost which is great however I've run into a few bumps in the road along the way.

Monday I awoke at 4am in excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen. Heat and Advil did not help the matter any, so at 9, I headed off to the ER. Now, I'm 36 years old and being in heinous pain when I stand, walk, sit, or move in any way was kind of demoralizing. I suffered through taking a shower (no way was I going to have my boyfriend help me in there), but then he had to help me get dressed.  I simply could not even put my pants on. How embarrassing! I was thinking the whole time, "I wouldn't really care if I was thin" . and you know what? It's true! If I was thin with a great body I wouldn't have cared one bit that  my boyfriend had to help me shower and get dressed. But being overweight, I felt ashamed/awful.  It's these feelings that I internalize and that lead to depression and overeating.

Ok so I'm in the ER, they take a urine sample, blood, x-ray, cat scan (all at various times throughout the day) and find nothing really wrong with me. They shot me up several times with Dilaudid, valium, and some anti-inflammatory of some sort and even though I was out of it, my back still hurt. 

Let me tell you that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't lift anything heavy, stretch funny, move funny, shovel, or anything. This came out of the blue.   So, after 8 hours in the ER, they send me home with a 'script for Percoset and 800mg ibuprofen, telling me that if it doesn't get better I should come back tomorrow and spend another day in the ER. So I go home and make an appointment with my doctor (well, I could only get in to see the nurse practitioner but it was at my doctors office...). I go there and she does a basic exam, talks to me about symptoms, and determines it's "muscular" and prescribes me muscle relaxers. 

So for the next few days, I stay home from work taking the 800mb ibuprofen, the Percoset (trying to minimize its use), and the muscle relaxers. I sleep a lot. I wake up, sore, and sit for a while, stand for a while, then go back to sitting. It's a painful, boring week for me. Oh, and on top of that, midweek, I got my monthly visitor --  Not the easiest thing to deal with when you can't really bend over... but some how I managed.

And guess what? There's a tiny light at the end of this tunnel... I did not binge eat and I did not cheat on my diet all week!! Everyday I stayed within (or a bit lower, as I really am not doing anything all day to burn  any calories) my calories, and I've actually lost a bit more weight!! As I stated earlier in this lengthy post, I'm up to 9 pounds.  

But there's even better news - I'm at 9 pounds, with my "monthly visitor" so I'm sure to drop more once that business is over AND, I need to say (maybe it's too much information but, heck, it's my blog, right?) I am very constipated from the meds and I haven't "gone" since Sunday (today is Saturday) -- it's been almost a week. I've taken a laxative in hopes it will help. I know this is very bad health-wise so hopefully it will get resolved soon, but silly me, I'm thinking of the weight I will lose once I "go". So I'm sure to be well over 10 pounds after all this.

I kind of realize that I sound insane but it's the little things that get me all excited. Anyway I should stop on this rambling post. I need to go drink some more coffee :)

First Week Report

So OK so I have completed my first full week of my new "healthy living" regime and guess what? I have lost 5 pounds! yay! 

The Debbie downers will say "It's only water" or "I lost 12# in my first week" but I don't care; I'm happy with my 5 pounds, water or not! I'm not going to let anyone bring me down about this. I made some big changes -- HUGE changes in my diet and general outlook and it's working!

It felt so nice this AM getting on the scale and seeing it go down a bit. I am not starving (much as I like to think that I am at 4:00 in the afternoon) and I really like everything I'm eating -- it's not like those fad diets I used to do that involved beets and Brussels sprouts-- this is tasty!

Looking forward to my next posting where hopefully I'll have more good news!

3 2 1 Go!

OK so I started my diet on Sunday, and today is Friday and I've lost a respectable 3.2 pounds. this is great, considering I ate out (Italian) on Tuesday and devoured the leftovers on Wednesday. I even enjoyed 2 glasses of wine.

I'm on the road to health, right? Wrong. 

Reading that first paragraph, you'd think I'm relatively new to dieting. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Fact is, me and dieting go way back. WAY back. I know dieting so well, that I will be very successful for the first weeks and months of a diet. Then something happens, and I fail and the pounds come back on. I've dieted many times and been moderately successful (50 pounds or so) but I never reach my goal weight. Not even the sight of my thinner self can motivate me. Depression sets in and rationalizations start, and before I know it, my "fat" clothes no longer even fit me. This happens over and over and over again. I just want to reach my goal weight ONCE in my lifetime!

Let me also say that when I say "diet", I don't mean fad diets, restrictive calorie diets, etc. I use "diet" to mean "healthy eating + exercise".