Voices in My Head

So, I joined a kickboxing gym today. 

Last time I exercised at a gym or class? 2013. Yes, 2013; that's six years ago!  Even then I didn't stick with it. I've never stuck with anything in regards to fitness and exercise. I think about exercising and joining a gym quite a bit, but more often than not I make excuses as to why I can't - 

They don't have classes when I can go!  
They don't offer child care!
They are too expensive!
I rather hire a personal training instead of just gong on my own 
I'm too fat and out of shape!
People will laugh
I would rather join [something not local to me] but it's not convenient to me!
Everyone on their facebook page/website looks so IN shape. I can't do this. 
My belly is too big, I won't be able to do many of the exercises
I'm so fat that people will think I'm pregnant. 

All of these thoughts (and then some) are continually running through my head. I need to squelch them and show myself some grace.  Just getting started, talking to someone (on the phone!!)  was a MAJOR hurdle for me.  I did it though, I talked to someone, they reassured me that I could go at my own pace, there were lots of others in my situation (overweight, haven't exercised in a while) , etc. They offer classes when I can go. 

So I go tomorrow at 10am  for my first class. Opening day.  Will it be too crowded? 

As I sit here, I'm both excited and I can feel my brain trying to find ways to get me to back out of it. I feel it inside me, that little thought pestering me and trying to gain footing in my brain.  I'm nervous and anxious for the class itself of course but what's bothering me the most is I'll show up and everyone will be in shape and ready to go and I will feel their judgment. It doesn't matter if it's real or not honestly.. I perceive others judging me all the time and I have a hard time managing it.  My head plays "their" thoughts over and over until (I guess) I actually start to believe them.

"Look at that fat girl, what's she doing here?"
"I bet she won't be able to last the class"
"Her belly is huge, is she pregnant?? Can you do this while pregnant?" 
"Thank god I don't look like HER" 

In reality, I am hoping that nobody is really thinking these things. But, in my messed up head, everyone is thinking this stuff everytime they look at me or talk to me. My anxiety amplifies ot the point where I get to "fight or flight" mode, and I either don't show up, or I quit and never come back.

Anyway,  for now I'm squelching the voice in my head trying to sabotage me. I'm going to the class tomorrow morning. I'm even a bit excited to go!  I'll hopefully have a great time and feel good about myself. I'm starting to try and listen for the voice in my head that will cheer me on and be my encouragement instead of that nasty voice trying to break me down.  I CAN do this! 

...And now for something really different

Happy 2014!

As you can see it's been a few years since posting here. And also as you can probably guess, I'm here not because I've been wildly successful in my weight loss journey or on my journey to self acceptance but because I'm still overweight and unhappy with myself. 

So no crying over spilt milk, right? I'm here, I'm fat and out of shape, and I don't like myself right now. I'm getting back on the horse and trying again. Isn't that what we're taught to do?

Of course, I'd simply be an INSANE person if I did this again and again and expected a different outcome.  So I have been thinking what can differentiate this effort from the 93451 others before it.

Why did I fail before, and what can I do to overcome that failure?

OK so let's think about my reasons for failure for a minute:

*crickets* 

Now that's strange. I'm sitting here all ready to list out why I failed in the past, but yet I cannot come up with ONE reason. Do I just have selective memory, or can I just not remember? Or is it deeper than that? Perhaps I just don't know why I fail. 

I don't know why I fail.

There, I said it. I have no flippin' idea why I fail. I try, I really do! I am usually very successful at first. I have great will power and resolve.  I make all (or most of) the right decisions, and then, like magic, something changes and I am powerless to stop it. It's like a switch has gone off in me, and I can see myself careening off the tracks but there's nothing I can do to stop the train. I derail; and I don't just derail, I go full on off the tracks and over the railings into a whirlpool of boiling lava. 

I've thought about it and thought about it. I don't know at what point I sabotage myself. Usually it's about when I'm halfway in my journey, sometimes a bit sooner. I'll get to 50 pounds and then everything changes. Slowly or overnight? I'm not sure.

I know that dieting and maintaining a healthy weight is not solely about foods you eat. It's about the choices you make and how you rationalize your choices.

So how, again, will this time be different?

I'm not sure, really. It's good to admit that I think. There are things I'm not sure of and I don't have all the answers. This time I will think about how I feel, each and every day. I will try to correlate that to if I did good, or bad on my diet that day. I will try and write down what's going on in my head and try to "catch" that switch before it goes. If I miss it and I do switch, I will need to figure out what happened. I have to really be conscious of the triggers and then try to figure out how to do something different. 

Sounds easy, but damn, I can tell you it's not going to be.

Pain

So I'm happy to report that I am now down to 9 pounds lost which is great however I've run into a few bumps in the road along the way.

Monday I awoke at 4am in excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen. Heat and Advil did not help the matter any, so at 9, I headed off to the ER. Now, I'm 36 years old and being in heinous pain when I stand, walk, sit, or move in any way was kind of demoralizing. I suffered through taking a shower (no way was I going to have my boyfriend help me in there), but then he had to help me get dressed.  I simply could not even put my pants on. How embarrassing! I was thinking the whole time, "I wouldn't really care if I was thin" . and you know what? It's true! If I was thin with a great body I wouldn't have cared one bit that  my boyfriend had to help me shower and get dressed. But being overweight, I felt ashamed/awful.  It's these feelings that I internalize and that lead to depression and overeating.

Ok so I'm in the ER, they take a urine sample, blood, x-ray, cat scan (all at various times throughout the day) and find nothing really wrong with me. They shot me up several times with Dilaudid, valium, and some anti-inflammatory of some sort and even though I was out of it, my back still hurt. 

Let me tell you that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't lift anything heavy, stretch funny, move funny, shovel, or anything. This came out of the blue.   So, after 8 hours in the ER, they send me home with a 'script for Percoset and 800mg ibuprofen, telling me that if it doesn't get better I should come back tomorrow and spend another day in the ER. So I go home and make an appointment with my doctor (well, I could only get in to see the nurse practitioner but it was at my doctors office...). I go there and she does a basic exam, talks to me about symptoms, and determines it's "muscular" and prescribes me muscle relaxers. 

So for the next few days, I stay home from work taking the 800mb ibuprofen, the Percoset (trying to minimize its use), and the muscle relaxers. I sleep a lot. I wake up, sore, and sit for a while, stand for a while, then go back to sitting. It's a painful, boring week for me. Oh, and on top of that, midweek, I got my monthly visitor --  Not the easiest thing to deal with when you can't really bend over... but some how I managed.

And guess what? There's a tiny light at the end of this tunnel... I did not binge eat and I did not cheat on my diet all week!! Everyday I stayed within (or a bit lower, as I really am not doing anything all day to burn  any calories) my calories, and I've actually lost a bit more weight!! As I stated earlier in this lengthy post, I'm up to 9 pounds.  

But there's even better news - I'm at 9 pounds, with my "monthly visitor" so I'm sure to drop more once that business is over AND, I need to say (maybe it's too much information but, heck, it's my blog, right?) I am very constipated from the meds and I haven't "gone" since Sunday (today is Saturday) -- it's been almost a week. I've taken a laxative in hopes it will help. I know this is very bad health-wise so hopefully it will get resolved soon, but silly me, I'm thinking of the weight I will lose once I "go". So I'm sure to be well over 10 pounds after all this.

I kind of realize that I sound insane but it's the little things that get me all excited. Anyway I should stop on this rambling post. I need to go drink some more coffee :)