It's Raining Again

It's raining again.  I've neglected writing but by looking at my past blog posts, you know the deal. I am starting over, yet AGAIN. 

It's difficult to even think about the disappointment I have in myself at this moment. During the past few years I've resolved many, many times to start over. I haven't even been able to have any success. In fact, I've gotten worse. 

Example - I had a cruise planned for February 2019. I resolved to lose 50 pounds by the cruise date. I started in July; I had about 8 months.  I was focused, determined. I started off great (as I usually do) but then... 

Want to know how the story ends? 

Not only did I NOT lose the 50 pounds;  I managed to gain 20 pounds.  

I vacationed again in June. After the February cruise, I had about 4 months. I resolved to lose that 20 pounds (hey, at least I'd be where I started, I rationalized).  June came and went.. and those 20 pounds? Still with me, plus an additional 9.

So in the span of 1 year, I gained 29 pounds, when I was aiming to lose 50. That puts me 79 pounds to go (and that was only an interim goal). After the 79, I have 60 more to go. It seems insurmountable. 

I have to do something. I'm getting older now and I'm literally afraid I'm going to DIE at any moment. I'm literally afraid I'm going to die from this fatness. On paper it just seems SO easy. Eat healthy + exercise. How fucking stupid can I be to mess it up OVER and OVER again. Yet, here I am. 

I resolve to write more, and to get my thoughts out and really hold myself more accountable; with the ultimate goal of figuring out how to unfuck myself up in the process.