Here I go Again

Here I go again.  If you read my last post from 2014 (and 2009), I basically should just put that all here and be done with it. 

I'm starting over. Again. I have 115 pounds to lose and I'm going to freakin' do it.

But that's my pattern, right? I say I'm going to do it, and I even start doing it. I enjoy some success and get over that initial hump, but then I fall apart. 

Why? I have no goddamn clue. Seriously. I am smart, I am educated, I read and research. I know I'm an emotional eater, that's a given. I know I know what healthy food is, and what isn't. I know all about moderation, and enjoying things in life but not going overboard. I just don't know.

Do you?  

...And now for something really different

Happy 2014!

As you can see it's been a few years since posting here. And also as you can probably guess, I'm here not because I've been wildly successful in my weight loss journey or on my journey to self acceptance but because I'm still overweight and unhappy with myself. 

So no crying over spilt milk, right? I'm here, I'm fat and out of shape, and I don't like myself right now. I'm getting back on the horse and trying again. Isn't that what we're taught to do?

Of course, I'd simply be an INSANE person if I did this again and again and expected a different outcome.  So I have been thinking what can differentiate this effort from the 93451 others before it.

Why did I fail before, and what can I do to overcome that failure?

OK so let's think about my reasons for failure for a minute:

*crickets* 

Now that's strange. I'm sitting here all ready to list out why I failed in the past, but yet I cannot come up with ONE reason. Do I just have selective memory, or can I just not remember? Or is it deeper than that? Perhaps I just don't know why I fail. 

I don't know why I fail.

There, I said it. I have no flippin' idea why I fail. I try, I really do! I am usually very successful at first. I have great will power and resolve.  I make all (or most of) the right decisions, and then, like magic, something changes and I am powerless to stop it. It's like a switch has gone off in me, and I can see myself careening off the tracks but there's nothing I can do to stop the train. I derail; and I don't just derail, I go full on off the tracks and over the railings into a whirlpool of boiling lava. 

I've thought about it and thought about it. I don't know at what point I sabotage myself. Usually it's about when I'm halfway in my journey, sometimes a bit sooner. I'll get to 50 pounds and then everything changes. Slowly or overnight? I'm not sure.

I know that dieting and maintaining a healthy weight is not solely about foods you eat. It's about the choices you make and how you rationalize your choices.

So how, again, will this time be different?

I'm not sure, really. It's good to admit that I think. There are things I'm not sure of and I don't have all the answers. This time I will think about how I feel, each and every day. I will try to correlate that to if I did good, or bad on my diet that day. I will try and write down what's going on in my head and try to "catch" that switch before it goes. If I miss it and I do switch, I will need to figure out what happened. I have to really be conscious of the triggers and then try to figure out how to do something different. 

Sounds easy, but damn, I can tell you it's not going to be.

Pain

So I'm happy to report that I am now down to 9 pounds lost which is great however I've run into a few bumps in the road along the way.

Monday I awoke at 4am in excruciating pain in my lower back and abdomen. Heat and Advil did not help the matter any, so at 9, I headed off to the ER. Now, I'm 36 years old and being in heinous pain when I stand, walk, sit, or move in any way was kind of demoralizing. I suffered through taking a shower (no way was I going to have my boyfriend help me in there), but then he had to help me get dressed.  I simply could not even put my pants on. How embarrassing! I was thinking the whole time, "I wouldn't really care if I was thin" . and you know what? It's true! If I was thin with a great body I wouldn't have cared one bit that  my boyfriend had to help me shower and get dressed. But being overweight, I felt ashamed/awful.  It's these feelings that I internalize and that lead to depression and overeating.

Ok so I'm in the ER, they take a urine sample, blood, x-ray, cat scan (all at various times throughout the day) and find nothing really wrong with me. They shot me up several times with Dilaudid, valium, and some anti-inflammatory of some sort and even though I was out of it, my back still hurt. 

Let me tell you that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't lift anything heavy, stretch funny, move funny, shovel, or anything. This came out of the blue.   So, after 8 hours in the ER, they send me home with a 'script for Percoset and 800mg ibuprofen, telling me that if it doesn't get better I should come back tomorrow and spend another day in the ER. So I go home and make an appointment with my doctor (well, I could only get in to see the nurse practitioner but it was at my doctors office...). I go there and she does a basic exam, talks to me about symptoms, and determines it's "muscular" and prescribes me muscle relaxers. 

So for the next few days, I stay home from work taking the 800mb ibuprofen, the Percoset (trying to minimize its use), and the muscle relaxers. I sleep a lot. I wake up, sore, and sit for a while, stand for a while, then go back to sitting. It's a painful, boring week for me. Oh, and on top of that, midweek, I got my monthly visitor --  Not the easiest thing to deal with when you can't really bend over... but some how I managed.

And guess what? There's a tiny light at the end of this tunnel... I did not binge eat and I did not cheat on my diet all week!! Everyday I stayed within (or a bit lower, as I really am not doing anything all day to burn  any calories) my calories, and I've actually lost a bit more weight!! As I stated earlier in this lengthy post, I'm up to 9 pounds.  

But there's even better news - I'm at 9 pounds, with my "monthly visitor" so I'm sure to drop more once that business is over AND, I need to say (maybe it's too much information but, heck, it's my blog, right?) I am very constipated from the meds and I haven't "gone" since Sunday (today is Saturday) -- it's been almost a week. I've taken a laxative in hopes it will help. I know this is very bad health-wise so hopefully it will get resolved soon, but silly me, I'm thinking of the weight I will lose once I "go". So I'm sure to be well over 10 pounds after all this.

I kind of realize that I sound insane but it's the little things that get me all excited. Anyway I should stop on this rambling post. I need to go drink some more coffee :)